I always went on dates with the goal of finding a long-term companion; I wanted the sort of love that you see in romantic comedies on television. However, I made the mistake of not taking into consideration the characteristics that made for a wonderful relationship in the first place.
To be fair, I was in my twenties at the time. The attraction of a beautiful face and a confident attitude was too much for him to resist at the time. I dated a lot of individuals who were excellent at parties but not so great when it came to getting to know me on a more personal level.
People I dated had emotional depths comparable to a teaspoon and ideals that couldn't have been more diametrically opposed to mine. I was more concerned with characteristics that were visible on the surface than with those that were hidden deeper.
I let my short-term emotions to dictate my long-term decisions, and the results couldn't have been more disastrous. The truth is that what makes for a fantastic fling is very different from what makes for a wonderful relationship. The ultimate objectives are diametrically opposed to one another.
Don't get me wrong, there can and should be some crossover between the two fields (like attraction and chemistry). However, the most essential characteristics of a life partner are not always apparent, and they are certainly not spoken enough.
They are not as simple to come by in a person, but when you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, they make all the difference. So, what exactly are these characteristics?
Let's have a look at them:
"Patience is when you're meant to be angry but instead choose to be understanding."
— No one knows who you are.
One characteristic that many individuals lack is patience, and this is true not just in their relationships but also in their everyday lives. We live in a world when virtually everything can be ordered online and delivered to your home the following business day. In a couple of minutes, you may have hundreds of people congratulate you on a photograph of yourself.
However, this does not transfer well into interpersonal interactions. I once dated a guy who had such high expectations of me that if I made a mistake, he became annoyed or, in the worst case scenario, furious. He made me feel ashamed of my own self-perception.
People, on the other hand, have flaws. We make a blunder. We all make blunders. Being in a relationship with someone who is quick to judge or get angry with you is detrimental to your connection. You will not have the feeling that you have the freedom to be yourself.
Patience does not imply that you should remain silent and let your spouse to speak and do whatever they want. It is the acceptance of the fact that not everything is about you. It's having control over your emotions and knowing that things aren't being used against you personally.
Someone that is understanding will understand that you need to study and develop on your own timetable. They do not compel you to see the world in their manner of thinking. They do not expect you to act and behave in the same manner as they do.
When it comes to character traits, patience is one that will endure the test of time.
Emotional intelligence is a skill that may be learned.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who, when you brought up a serious problem or subject, replied with, "I don't have time for this!" or "I don't give a damn" or "here you go again!" If this was the case, they most certainly had poor emotional intelligence.
“The ability to be aware of, regulate, and express one's emotions, as well as the ability to handle interpersonal interactions wisely and empathetically,” according to the definition of emotional intelligence (EQ).
What does this have to do with finding a life partner? It is, after all, essential for effective communication. It will be difficult to understand your partner's emotions if you don't have a high EQ, which is necessary for both of you to resolve problems.
Someone with a poor emotional intelligence (EQ) has a tendency to group all unpleasant feelings together as anger. It is for this reason that they use terms such as the ones I have written above. They find it difficult to even contemplate discussing their thoughts, therefore they are quick to shift the blame or dismiss your sentiments entirely as unimportant.
Life is long, and there will be many ups and downs along the way. Finding someone who is able to communicate their feelings to you while also respecting your own will make the bumpy journey a little less difficult to endure.
A development attitude is essential.
“If you envision less, you will definitely get less of what you unquestionably deserve.”
Debbie Millman is the author of this piece.
Do you think that you will evolve throughout your life? Do you believe you have the ability to learn new things and make significant changes in your life if you set your mind to it? And, maybe more significantly, do you believe that growth is a good thing?
Depending on your responses to those questions, you will be classified as either having a growth mindset or a fixed mentality, as defined by author Carol Dweck. In her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Carol Dweck argues that individuals have two fundamentally distinct perspectives on themselves and their environment.
A person with a fixed mentality is not interested in changing for their partner, nor do they believe they are capable of doing so. To put this into perspective in terms of relationships, And I'm not referring about cosmetic improvements that just one person desires; rather, I'm referring to changes that are beneficial to the partnership as a whole.
Someone who has a development mentality, on the other hand, recognizes the importance and possibilities presented by change. They want to improve their communication skills in order to be a better spouse. They are ready to listen to their spouse and make compromises with them.
The truth of the matter is that individuals are designed to develop. It's best if you can locate a companion who is willing to do it with you.
The capacity to laugh at one's own misfortunes.
I find it difficult to think that life should ever be treated so seriously, regardless of one's age or situation. In spite of the fact that I will be 30 in a few months, my present partner and I still laugh and behave like children. The fact that we have this special bond is one of my favorite aspects of our relationship.
The fact of the matter is that life is already stressful enough. There are expenses to pay and a slew of duties to take care of. Tragedies that are not anticipated are unavoidable. Not to mention the lingering existential dread and worry that I constantly seem to have lurking under the surface of my consciousness.
That is why it is essential to me to be in a relationship with someone who can laugh at themselves. Whatever it is, whether it is us playing wrestling in our beds at night or laughing at ourselves when we trip on the sidewalk, we have fun.
The capacity to laugh at each other in a loving manner also makes the difference between your spouse rapidly becoming your adversary and knowing that you are on the same side as your partner. When it comes to choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with, judgment is out of the question.
Some of the most meaningful partnerships began as friendships. Now, I understand that not everyone has that luxury, and that it is not a must for finding a wonderful life mate. Friendship, on the other hand, is still essential, even if all you ever were was a love interest.
A friend is someone with whom you can be candid and with whom you enjoy spending time in conversation. You could easily spend hours with them doing absolutely nothing, and yet it was a fantastic time. You really like being in each other's company.
However, only a small percentage of couples spend time working on their friendship. They place an excessive amount of emphasis on the romantic aspects.
It helps me to conceive of friendship as a continuous thread that runs between a pair, following them wherever they go. Though feelings of love and passion may ebb and flow, the basis of a strong friendship will serve as a stabilizing force.
Not everyone has to be on the lookout for a partner with whom to spend the rest of their lives. Some of us, on the other hand, are just not designed for casual relationships. If this describes you, keep these characteristics in mind the next time you go on a date or while deciding whether or not your partner is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Because, although a beautiful face is attractive at first glance, it is the characteristics of a person that are not visible that are most important. Making the decision to weather life together is a huge one; choose someone who will not let you down.